I am OCD, my newest/original obsession is Photography!

Yep I have officially been diagnosed with OCD.Actually several years ago. I don't know how or why, but it something I have had since I was a kid. I just did not know it then. What is OCD? Most people think is is the fear of germs, and while that is one element , OCD can manifest if in different ways with different people. My manifestation is once I get a concept or even something to worry about, it sticks in my head, and I run though it over and over. It is like I can never turn my brain off. You might say,hey that is great your brain is always working,but I will tell you it is an affliction that will make you brand new, and not in a good way.

Like I said my brain will churn , and churn something I am obsessed with, and I will try every variation of what could happen, or what has happened, sometimes it is maddening. My doctor subscribed Zoloft and I took that for about three years, and while it is good, it does some really bizarre things to you physically and mentally. For me the Zoloft made me sort of mellow, kind of a give a shit attitude, it made me non reactive, non caring, and non passionate. One good thing it did was give me some serious longevity in the sexual side of things, it was like I could never finish or stop , kind of weird but my wife never complained about it. :}

About a year ago in May 07 , I decided to stop taking the Zoloft and live with it. Well this may sound strange but I actually found a new obsession, actually an old obsession, and that is photography. I never realized it but in school, photography kept me focused on something and kept me from obsessing on things. When I was a kid before I got into high school , I would ritualize things, everyday things, that I had control over , like how I brushed my teeth, how I walked to school, and how I interacted with others. One day I remember I was in 5Th grade, and as I arrived at school I put my lunch in the lunch bin in the classroom, for the entire day I wondered did I bring my lunch? What did I do with it? Did I remember to bring it? The entire morning I thought about the lunch sack that I thought I had forgotten. By lunch time I went to the lunch bin, and even though my lunch bag was there, I thought is was someone else's. How could this be mine? It wasn't mine? Someone took my lunch! Who took my lunch? Now what ? Someone had taken my lunch, I had no money so I could not get lunch in the cafeteria. I stood there mind racing , wondering about the lunch sack that was right there.I had convinced myself it was not mine, and that someone took mine. So I opened the window to the classroom and jumped out.I had to do that since going out the front door I would have been busted right away. It was a good thing it was the first floor. I ran home , and when I got home, my mom asked what are you doing home? I told her someone took my lunch, then I just stood there and cried. My mom made me a grilled cheese sandwich, and told me to get back to school. I ran back to school, and you guessed it, the entire way I obsessed about what trouble I was in at school, even though my mom had given me a note, I still obsessed. I got back to school and the teacher was pretty pissed off that I just left. I gave her the note and she had me go sit down, then I was OK until the next time.

Back to last year, when I decided to stop the Zoloft. At first it was kind of strange , I mean feelings were coming back that I had not dealt with for a few years. The first phase was I was an angry , angry man, it took very little to set me off. the second phase, my passion started coming back, then finally I realized I needed something to keep me busy. I started to get back into photography , and I shot over 10000 images over the course of the summer. My new obsession was back, and believe it or not I actually felt much better having that passion, and drive, the obsession was there but it was channelled into something productive. While I still have certain times when I get caught up in a pattern, I usually try and go shoot some images to get my mind off of it, and so far it is working well. Occasionally I do grab something and wont let it go, but for the most part, now that is succeeding in this endeavor.

So what have I done the past year? I have shot a ton of images, and I also realized I love to shoot images of people, models, or just regular folks, it is my way to connect with them. It seems it is also my way of changing the world in some small way. I feel like every time I shoot an image of someone they are now a part of my soul in some way.For my very best images, they tell a story , and I hope they make the people who look at them feel something. I look at the images and can remember the way things felt at that moment, the weather, the look on their face, the way they reacted to the images. I try to write it down, but usually I don't have too much time to do so, but I know I can come back to that shoot and recall every detail to document it. I know it sounds strange but perhaps this is how a creative mind works I don't know , but it is how my creative mind works. So not only have I been able to recollect the details, I have made some very potent friendships out of the deal, and most of them that I am close with , I consider my deepest , closest friends.

Why do I write this? Well it is not to have people pity me, but it is to illustrate that our society is way to over medicated, and there are absolutely other outlets to explore to fill the gaps. Mine just so happens to be the photographic image. I do still obsess to a point even with that , I work til 2 or 3 am in the morning and get up and go to a day job at 7 am each day, but I still find time to spend with my family , and while I do spend allot of time at it, the craft has made me a much better person, and father.

So in this crazy, hectic, violent world we live in try to find your outlet, and live it, live it to the fullest!-ter

Terry Runion
http://www.kachoozie.net
http://www.kachoozie.com
http://www.newlifeimages.net